What is assisted care, and are you qualified to provide it?
As I was camping out this morning over at the veggiewitch campground, I found a little piece of paper about Denise (the veggiewitch) needing to find an assisted care facility for her mom. Here is the comment I left her:
When my wise old grandmother got to the point that she needed assisted care, I wanted her to come live with me. I was outvoted 3-1 so she went to an assisted care facility. Best thing we ever did for her. In hind sight I know that I was not qualified to care for her. By being with other people her age and interests, she regained her memory, her zest for life, her laughter…………….
Let me share.
My wise old grandmother (MWOG) adopted me as an 11-year-old juvenile delinquent, one of the greatest in Utah’s history. She gave me love and discipline (instead of an iPod and iPad), and also taught me love and discipline. That was in 1965. Her three living sons (my dad, the oldest, was dead) were not pleased, and they pretty much let me know it all the way up to the present. In fact, when MWOG died in 2003, I was disinvited to the funeral. Stupid, naive me had no idea that funerals were by invitation only. In 2004, I went to court to legally change my name, dropping my last name — their last name, too! — and taking my middle name as my last name.
In 1988, though, I was at least given a vote as to whether or not downsizing from her big house — built by granddad in 1937 — into an assisted care facility would be best for her. We decided no, but we did downsize her from the house into an apartment that was just a few miles from the son who lived the closest.
MWOG sat in that apartment day and night…….never went out unless one of us went to take her out………was crying every time I ever stopped by, which was not often since I lived 400 miles away. She was lonely, unhappy, sad, depressed………no one loved her enough to stop by, she thought. That wasn’t it at all. It was that everyone had their own lives and families. They had jobs that paid the bills……..
She lost her memory, mixing up stories from the past and even getting the mixtures wrong. She missed making cinnamon rolls, pumpkin pie, King Ranch casserole, hugging the kids and grandkids regularly, gardening (everything I learned about gardening I learned from her), watching the back yard owls………
Finally, when she no longer even recognized us, we voted to put her in an assisted care facility. I was outvoted 3-1; I wanted her to come live with me. In retrospect, it would have been very bad because I was at the height of my working career and could not have done any better for her than what was already happening…….
We put her in an assisted care facility in Kingsville, Texas, her hometown of 51 years. It was the best thing we ever did. When I went to visit her for the first time, she recognized me…. she hugged me…. she kissed me…. she asked me about my life and told me stories about hers, stories that I knew were not all mixed up…. she got her memory back….
I credit everything to an elderly woman being with a hundred other elderly people, all having elderly problems, elderly stories, elderly love, elderly interests……. Eventually I learned that I should not stop by on Wednesday evenings because that’s when she got her hair and nails done…….. I should not stop by on Friday evenings because that was movie night…….. I should not stop by on Saturday afternoons because that was game time (she was the champion dominoes player, straight or 42)…… I should not stop by on Sunday afternoons because that was Bingo time……..
All of a sudden she had a life again, with people who weren’t working and whom she could be with 24/7. The people who were working, i.e., the assisted care staff, were the kindest, most helpful people in the world. They were interested in the people under their care, sometimes knowing more about the families than I thought was possible unless they were part of the family……….
It’s hard to take loved ones away from their lives and introduce them to new lives, new people, but I’m here to tell you that it’s probably in their best interests. Find the best one you can and go with it. They won’t forget you, and if you find a good facility that keeps them and their minds occupied, they’ll create a new family with the same interests.
Assisted care is much more than simply a place to live where a qualified staff cares for them. Sure, that’s sometimes necessary when physical problems prevent them from moving around or interacting, but it’s much more than that for most elderly. As for the cost, it was not cheap, but Medicare paid for so much of it that my share was only $100 a month. For my wise old grandmother, that $100 a month was the best $100 a month I ever spent.
Change is difficult, which probably is why Republicans don’t like it, but as times and technology change, and age catches up with us, it’s quite often necessary. Don’t let the sun go down on your loved one’s life without giving assisted care a chance. I think you’ll be pleased.
That’s my experience, and if my experience can help just one person reading this, then my job is done.
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Posted on July 15, 2012, in My wise old grandmother, Photos. Bookmark the permalink. 31 Comments.
what a great testimonial and I will bet you help everyone who reads this – thank you – I am going to check myself into one right now – unfortunately I do not think my family will let me – maybe in 30 or 40 years though
I hope I still have the presence of mind to check myself into one when the time comes because there is only one other person in the world who can make the decision for me, and I don’t think he would.
time to turn Power of Attorney over to me then!
You’ll take care of me? How nice of you……….lol
well I might – I just thought with the power of attorney I could institutionalize you
You just want Zoey the Cool Cat……………..
you can see right through me
ZCC told me. She’s a very wise kitty.
Awesome! Great piece, very insightful, very caring, full of perfect pros, cons, details and personal experience. I am going to share this with a friend who just finally convinced her family this was needed for all of them. Your grandmother would be proud!
“.”
Cat
There’s the one person that I was hoping I might help.
I know these are some difficult decisions to make and sometimes you just have to make one with the information you have at hand. I will be forced to make this decision soon with my parents due to some of the same reasons described and it is never an easy one to make. Take care, BAM
This is a very positive story.
This post is good timing for me in more ways that I can express – your are a wonderful person, Russel!
Very insightful…. Thanks for sharing. ♥
Thank you so much, my friend. ♥
You inspire me, too.
*squishy hugs*
Veggiewitch ♥
Thank you for this very timely post. Making decisions regarding another persons life is very very hard. I appreciate your input.
BE ENCOURAGED! BE BLESSED!
Great post about a difficult subject, which has come up a few times in my family, and is currently being debated regarding my grand-mother-in-law. It is so helpful to hear of positive experiences as well as negative ones.
P.s. I love the photographs – close-ups of flowers are some of my favourite shots to take!
Thanks for sharing your experience. I may have to make a decision like this in a few years.
I am on the cusp of this because my parents and uncle are in their late 80s and early 90s,
Thanks for this, it has been very helpful.
Thank you for sharing your story, and hers. My mother-in-law lives right around the corner, and is sharp mentally, but she can barely walk. I do much of her shopping, and errands, and after her license expires in September (yes, she is still driving!) I will be doing all of it. She needs to be someplace more stimulating–we see each other several times a week to play cards, have dinner, chat over delivery of groceries, etc, and she has church and breakfast with friends, but that isn’t really enough. I know and she knows that she needs more help than we can give her, but she is unwilling to make that change, and I can’t (or won’t) make her. I know it will be traumatic for everyone when that day comes.
This sounds so much like my mother living with my sister never having real friends her age till my older sister and I voted my younger sister out and put her in a assisted care home. She started talking and taking part in activities and enjoyed the last two months of her life. (Sorry to say we took too long to put her in a place where she could be herself!)
$5.75
i’m spending way too much time in your head my friend!
That’s a really lovely story and it is great that you share your experience. This really gave me a different view on assisted care.
I have heard quite a lot of bad stories about retirement homes and such, however, I guess you have to differentiate…
Nevertheless, it’s a hard choice to make. I would be afraid that one of my parents would feel betrayed and left alone for being sent to an assisted care home.
That’s what I thought, and there probably are those feelings initially, on all sides. However, people are social animals, and they definitely like to be with people of their own ilk. Elderly is just one of those many ilks on which relationships can be based.
I see… and I guess if you choose a really good place for your elders and visit them they won’t feel like relegated from you life.^^
I think those initial visits over the first few months are important. My uncle who lived closest chose the facility he did because it was half way between his home and his work. Every day on the way home from work he would stop. He said that he only did that for about a month, at which point he learned that he should skip Wednesdays (that’s when she got her hair and nails done), Fridays (movie night), Saturdays (dominoes tournament), and Sundays (Bingo). That only left three other days, and he could choose just one day a week and everyone would be happy. His son’s family would choose another day, and his daughter’s family a different day. Everything covered!
Yes, I think you’re right. That showed clearly, that your grandmother wasn’t left out. Perfect.^^
beautiful post, and once again you’ve written about a difficult topic with finesse, love and caring. I had a very similar experience with my own parents (who have since passed) and the last 8-11 years of their lives were just lovely because of the wonderful assisted living place they were in. I hope I will be fortunate enough to find such a place, and be able to afford it, when my “time” comes.
thanks again for sharing.